This past year has been both the quickest and longest year of my life. I’ve never felt more pain, fallen so hard, witnessed His hand so much and so evidently, and hardcore relied on my Father as I have in the last 365 days. A Year ago, I gained a new and in my opinion the best guardian angel.
My heart still has a hard time accepting the fact that your earthly body is gone and it feels as though I saw you for the last time just yesterday. When you left, you sent me on a journey of sorts. Your departure broke the ground that I walk on as my heart was shattered from loss and grief and pain. When what I was feeling was overwhelming, I found a new solace as I turned to writing. While I’ve always loved it and had gotten back to it not long before you left, never had it been as personal as it has become between last year and now. I began literally pouring out my heart and soul into what I was writing as I began to work through my grief through the power of words. I have discovered so much about life, love, death, and faith throughout this season of my life.
Sydney impacted my life in the biggest way and I will carry her with me forever.
And while this is almost a scary thing for me to do… Here goes..
Here is my heart, and my year in words.
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Syd- I am at a complete loss for words. It still hasn’t fully hit me yet and feels just so unreal. You touched my life in a way that brought so much good and light into it. I will never be able to thank you enough for impacting me and many others in such an amazing way. This is the hardest goodbye but when we someday meet again in Heaven, it will be an incredible hello. I will forever miss you girlie but I know that you will always be there watching over and I know that I will never be alone. I look at the world differently now because of you. Ben and Jerry’s, cupcakes, and apples now contain the sweetest memories. I can’t wait until that day when I walk through the gates of Heaven and see your smiling face. Fly high angel and rock those wings. I love you Syd. I love you so incredibly much. I’m going to miss you so insanely much, until we meet again and can spend all of eternity side by side. ❤️
“Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.”
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Why? That’s a question that has been going through my mind a lot recently. Why does God do what He does? Why do bad things happen? Why do such good people have to die? And while i desperately want to know the answer to that question, it’s not my job to know. That’s something I’m having to slowly discover and grasp. God has a plan for each of us and while some of us discover that plan early on and can see exactly what He’s doing, others must wait until He reveals it later in life. While it can be frustrating and upsetting to be left with an unanswered question, we just need to ride this wave and see where it takes us. We must remember that every little thing plays into the bigger picture, into His plan. So instead of asking, “why is this happening?” Try to ask “what will happen because of this and through it?”
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“This is Amazing Grace” by Phil Wickham
❤️
This weekend I had the opportunity to speak at and attend a worship service in memory of @sydrid623 , we sang several songs that night but one song, specifically one verse, stuck out at me and has been on my mind since then. Amazing Grace is a classic worship/gospel song known by nearly everyone and is a very well quoted song. While singing it at the memorial however, there was a lyric that stuck out at me for the first time and it was, “how precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed”. I had never payed much attention to that part before, but now that I have I have realized the huge meaning behind it. When we accept Jesus into our hearts, we are immediately cleansed and renewed. There is no waiting for approval, we simply believe and accept Him and are instantly saved. I love that. God in that moment, because of Jesus, washes our sins away and sees us as perfect. In one precious moment we are wiped clean. He doesn’t wait to check our past and make sure we’re worthy because there isn’t anyone unworthy of the grace of God. Those who fully believe in, and have faith and trust in Him will receive it and that’s the beautiful and amazing gift Jesus gave us. The gift of complete forgiveness and eternity. Thank you Jesus for that. Thank you for the gift of complete and undeserved forgiveness, grace, the moment we fully trust and believe. “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free. My God, my savior, has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing Grace.”
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Happy Birthday to this crazy, sweet, gorgeous, practically perfect angel<3 Syd I hope you’re having the best time partying up there with Jesus. I miss you more and more each day and long for that one more…One more anything. But even though the hurt is great, the joy in knowing where you are now is so much greater! You are in Heaven, Syd! What an amazing birthday present..To be in the presence of our Lord and to dance and sing for Him. You made my life so dang colorful and our time together is completely unforgettable! Looking through these pictures reminded me of just a few of the incredible memories we have made. There are far too many to even begin to show or talk about. Sydrid you blessed us all with your beautiful spirit and I am so thankful. Happy Birthday Syd<3 thank you for being my pageant coach, crapple, study help (ase easy as enzyme ase baby you and me girl😝), inspiration, shoulder to cry on, dance partner, band member, support system, sister in Christ, and so much more but thank you so dang much Syd for being one of my best friends<3 have a great day filled with joy, singing and dancing and give Jesus a hug for me! I love you sweet girl❤️ HAPPY BIRTHDAY🎉
🎶You’re my back bone.
You’re my cornerstone.
You’re my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You’re my head start.
You’re my rugged heart.
You’re the pulse that I’ve always needed.
Like a drum my ❤️ never stops beating for you🎶
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I’m not sure who wrote this but it is so beautiful<3
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When I exchange Life’s rugged cross
For Eternity’s crown;
When my soul is rid of sorrow
My burdens all laid down,
I will trade these rags so wretched
For a gown of Heaven’s white,
And when I take the Hand of Jesus
Everything will be all right.
No more rough roads will be traveled;
No more thorns will pierce my side.
I’ll be granted total healing
When all Heaven’s gates swing wide!
No more poverty, or sadness,
Will have my thoughts ensnared,
For I will ever rest with Jesus
In the mansion He’s prepared.
No more tears will wet night’s darkness,
No more loneliness or dread;
No more fearing of the future,
Nor of what may lie ahead,
No more guilty pain of faulting,
Nor pangs of yesterday,
For I’ll have reached Life Immortal
In the True and Living Way!
Earthly toil will then be ended;
No more darts by Satan hurled.
Splendid glories will all glisten
There in God’s most sacred World;
Where bright streets of gold will meet me,
And “Life’s Precious Gem” awaits
Amid the glimmer of all ages
Inside Heaven’s Pearly Gates!
When I exchange Life’s rugged cross
For Eternity’s crown;
When my soul is rid of sorrow
My burdens all laid down,
I will trade these rags so wretched
For a gown of Heaven’s white,
And when I take the Hand of Jesus
Everything will be all right.
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Tonight I attended @counterculture316 ,which I have to say is the most amazing youth group on the planet, and during the message I heard something that really hit me. @kenedi_007 mentioned the giant hole in between the last two books of the Bible, the time between Biblical times and the end of the world. She then said a statement that rocked me, “if God were still writing the Bible, would you be in it?” That’s basically saying that if the Bible hadn’t stopped being written would I be living in such a way that my story would be on those pages. That made me stop and think. How am I living my life? Am I fully and wholeheartedly living for what I believe? Or am I holding back? Would my story make it onto those pages?
My new New Years resolution is this: to live life in such a way that brings Him so much glory and light that if the Bible we’re still being written, I would find my story there. I don’t want to be someone who just survives and goes through the motions. I want to break barriers, truly live, and be so recklessly desperate for a relationship with Him that others can’t help but see it. I want this year to be a starting point in my new journey. I want this to be a year of falling completely and fully in love with my Heavenly Father. He loves me and in that fact alone, I find my identity. Page 2 of 2015.. What are the rest of the pages going to look like? And what about after this year? My new goal is to be fully in Him and -I’ll do anything- to reach that goal! ❤ “Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.”
James 4:8
No more division in my loyalties.. It’s all for Him, all the way!
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“I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
I have many sweet memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part.
God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart❤️”
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I guess you were just too beautiful for this Earth sweet girl<3 I love and miss you so so much.. But I know that you’re always with me, even now as I write this<3 say hey to Jesus for me<3 miss you.. Love you Syd<3
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Syd,
I must be going delusional or something but I still can’t believe that you’re gone. Call it denial, call it grief, call it pain.. Whatever it is though, it makes it nearly impossible to even fathom the fact that there is a Sydney shaped hole in this world. But maybe the reason that my heart won’t accept it is because you’re never truly gone from my heart are you? You left this world, but you never left my side. Syd nothing makes it easier.. I see you everywhere. School, dance, running errands, and even just at my home. My heart is broken and hurts, but that’s just from your physical absence, not your spirit. No, you being there with me spiritually is not as if you were here physically and yes, I will forever wish and long for that “one more”. One more anything. But until I join you in Heaven, I will just have to hold you in my heart and know within me that you never truly left and will always be there. Syd I miss you with all of my being and desperately wish for you to come back, but I know that life up there is so so soo much better than that here on Earth. I never knew what it was like to lose someone who has such a huge stake in my heart, and the pain is horrid. But that huge pain means that there was such great love. Love that will carry me through this hard time. Love that will envelope me in good times and in bad. Sydney I love you. Today marks your two month birthday in Heaven. I hope you had an amazing day celebrating your new, eternal, perfect life and the joy that comes with it. One thing that brings me great joy is that Syd, I know you’re dancing. You’re dancing on His stage and I’m so very jealous that you get to dance before our Lord and King and see His smiling face. But I’ll be up there one day and we can dance for Him together. I miss you girl..more than words will ever even begin to say…But I love you even more<3 and nothing’s stronger than love. Not death, not cancer, not pain. I mean hey, Jesus died for us out of nothing but pure, unending love. ❤
So I’ll say it again and again.. I love you girlie<3 see you in Heaven<3
Love,
Kenny
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“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13
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Something to remember when you’re feeling as though you are a “bad Christian”. The truth is, there is no such thing. We’re all dirty rotten sinners deserving of awful punishment. But guess what? We have an amazing, loving, incredible God who is a God of grace and love and because of Him, we are saved. Because of His Son Jesus, we are forgiven, seen as perfect! A gift that we so do not deserve but receive because of His insanely abounding love. Our number one goal as Christians is to be like Christ and as long as you are wholeheartedly pursing that goal and have accepted Christ’s gift and accepted Him into your heart… You’re a Christian. That’s all there is to it. A relationship with Jesus is a one on one journey and though we can be guided by others and help guide some, our relationship is strictly personal. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and don’t worry about others. You follow Christ, not the world. Jesus says “COME.” What is your response? Do you say a wholehearted, “YES.”? Or do you hold back for fear of not being a good enough Christian and choose to just hide and shrink back? Do not fear, do not doubt, just believe and have faith. He loves you and wants you to come just as you are.. Broken, whole, doubtful, confident, angry, content, longing, afraid, joyful and in any other possible state of your heart. He just simply wants YOU, just as you are. So run to Him and into His loving arms for He loves us more than we can even begin to understand<3
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Today is world cancer day, a day to bring awareness to all types of cancer worldwide. Everyday I continue to have such anger and sadness when I think about this horrible disease, but no matter how big cancer seems… It’s not as powerful as we think. Cancer IS beatable. There are many times when I feel as though its grip is crushing, but then I think of beautiful souls like hers. Souls that did not buckle, that stood back up each time cancer tried to knock them down. Syd never let her cancer define her. She was always Sydney. Sydney who kicked butt at science fair. Sydney who was an amazing public speaker. Sydney who would tap dance with me down the hallways of Liberty. Sydney who taught me her pageant routine during a fire drill. Sydney who never let a disease define her. Cancer did NOT win. Sydney won. She fought it tooth and nail and in the end, it wasn’t the cancer that sent her home. It was her Father’s calling. Syd didn’t succumb to the disease, she beat it and ascended into her eternal home. Today is world cancer day and a day to bring awareness to this disease, but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow we can go back to turning a blind eye. We can’t ignore that there is such bad in this world. These strong fighters do not deserve that. They fight for their lives each and every day, the least we can do is fight for them and for a chance. Cancer is an awful disease but Good will always conquer evil. Light will always overpower dark. And with God, all things are possible. I will forever choose to fight for awareness, for support, and for funding and I will do anything and everything I can to help those like my girl. I will fight and fight hard like she did. She taught me what true strength was and because of her, I know that I am strong. And I will use that strength to fight. I choose to fight for my beautiful best friend and all of those that are warriors just like her. I choose to fight for those that earned their wings. I choose to fight for those that are walking testimonies. I choose to fight for those who need to be fought for. I choose to fight for all of them. I choose to fight.. What are you willing to fight for?
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Words are a very powerful thing. With the right ones we can bring a world of good but with the wrong ones we can ruin the world. Today I want to share the importance of words on a very important day. Today is International Childhood Cancer Awareness Day. Each day in the US, 46 kids are diagnosed with some form of cancer and 7 earn their angel wings each and every day. Cancer isn’t a childhood. These kids deserve our very best effort to help eradicate this disease from the world. Only 3.8% of government alloted funding goes toward childhood cancers. Not just one kind of childhood cancers, but all of them combined. Every child deserves a chance to live a beautiful life to the fullest and they need our help to have a chance at that. Use your words, raise your voice and help bring awareness and equal funding to childhood cancers. Another way to help is to donate to private charities that give all proceeds to childhood cancer research. Some great ones are Cure, St. Baldricks ( @stbaldricks ), The Rally Foundation ( @rallyfoundation ) and Alex’s Lemonade Stand. Too many beautiful souls have been lost for us to just ignore this. Donate, tell others and spread the word, just do whatever you can to help bring hope to these amazing kiddos. Help shine a light on the dark world of pediatric cancer. I will forever and always #gogold for childhood cancer in hopes that one day, cancer will be but a horrible memory. For those incredible fighters that deserve our love and support I encourage y’all to join me and also #gogoldforchildhoodcancer today and everyday<3
#sydneystrong #smileyforkylie #prayforella #teamlilybumpus #prayfortay
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Eleven weeks later and I still find myself believing that it was all some tragic dream and I will wake up tomorrow to see her pretty face still here on Earth. But each day I find myself having to remember and remind myself that this waking nightmare is the new reality. I want nothing more than for Sydney to come back and everyday I desperately wish to know why she had to leave so soon. But though I wish for that clarity, it isn’t my knowledge to have. Today at Passion City, @louiegiglio said something during the message that really hit me hard. God has a plan for us. A good, beautiful, incredible plan for each of our lives. As humans, we tend think of the here and now, the quick pleasures of life, but God sees the big picture. So often we wish to know why something happens and to know the plan, but God is the only one who knows. God doesn’t share it with us because a) we would mess up the plan. As simple human beings, we would take the plan and bend it to match our own desires, ruining what God has set for us. We set out to meet our quick demands and wants, but He sets out to create an enduring, full, rich life for us. B) if we knew the plan for our lives, we would cease to believe that we need God in our life. We would know how it all ended and what happens and wouldn’t go to God for guidance. We need God. He is our Father. He loves us so much and wants nothing more than our hearts. If we knew a storm was coming, we would try our hardest to avoid the storm… But storms aren’t all bad. Storms are when we test our foundation, where we learn how strong our faith truly is and in these storms, we learn how much we truly need God. There’s so much pain within a storm that it’s hard to believe this, but even though there isn’t good in the storm, you can be confident in the fact that good will come out. God is good. God is merciful. He is gracious. He is loving. We long to ask why in life and to know the plan, but that’s not our job. Our purpose is to hand control over to Jesus and to let Him be the guide, let Him be our foundation. For a house built on bedrock is steadfast, but a house built on sand will crumble. Which are you? If I’ve learned one thing since Syd’s passing it is that we can’t handle storms on our own. We may think we’re strong but we are nothing without His power within us. I know He’s been there with me through this whole time and I wish I could say that I’m naturally strong but it want just me. It was Him. It is Him. It is Him in me that I can have joy through the heartbreak. Because of Him, I won’t crumble, I won’t break, I won’t fall apart. Instead I will rejoice in His plan and in His goodness and trust that even though it’s dark now, a rainbow is coming<3
Romans 8:28
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
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I love this. I love the feeling of being completely and unconditionally loved. There is nothing I can ever do that will make Him leave me or cease to care for me. The world likes to shun us and turn it’s back on us if we don’t fit the perfect image it sets for us. Every mess up is scrutinized, we are condemned if our lifestyle isn’t the ideal and perfect one, our mistakes are made to seem unconquerable. The world loves to hate. But not Jesus. Jesus hung out with the outcasts, the liars, the thieves, the murders, the lame, the broken. The world says these people are dirty and unworthy of God’s love, but truth be told, none of us are. There is not a single one of us that is perfect and fully deserving of the unfailing love of Christ. We deserve to suffer and be tormented with hate but Jesus loves us so much that He did something incredible. He died for us. He loves us so much that He endured unimaginable suffering and death knowing that we may never even love Him back. That’s true love. So when you feel that the world is condemning you, crushing you, making you seem worthless, remember in whom your worth is found. And always remember that you are so loved. You are loved by the one who died to know you. Don’t let the world be your identity but give it all to the one who made you. In Christ you are found. In Christ you are adored. You are cherished. You are perfect. You are loved. never forget that<3
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🎶”You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now”🎶
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Hey Sweet Girl,
Today marks 3 months. I miss you more and more every day. There’s a saying that goes.”They say you never know what you have until it’s gone. But the truth is, you knew exactly what you had. You just never thought you’d lose it.” I always knew how lucky I was to have you in my life Syd and I always tried to show that. I am so incredibly blessed. You were so loving and kindhearted and downright hilarious! I’m so thankful for our friendship. You were always so constant in my life. No matter what happened in life, our friendship stood strong. I miss that and you so much. Countless times I’ve tried to text you or reach out only to realize that you won’t answer. It’s hard. I hate having to remind myself that you’re not here. It’s the gosh darn hardest thing. But I’ll be okay. I’ve got the Good Lord on my side and in my heart and He’ll never let me fall. There’s that hard times and sad quotes that accompany this time..But Syd, there’s also the quote, “if there ever comes a time when we can’t be together, put me in your heart and I’ll stay there forever.” And that brings out the good times and joyful moments. I gotcha in my heart Syd<3 I saw that painted red sky tonight and thought of you. You never leave my side. How blessed am I to have my best friend as my guardian angel? I’m never alone<3 my heart is broken and no amount of time can or will ever heal that. Dealing with grief doesn’t get easier, just different. I see your beautiful spirit in everything I do and everything I see. I feel as though you never left. I go through my day and still never believe that you’re gone. It seems so much longer than 3 months yet it also feels as though it’s been no more than a day. There are so many wishes that we wanted to one day make true but I won’t let those dreams fall. I’ll fulfill each of them, remembering you in every moment. There is never a day that I don’t think about you and miss you. You are forever with me. Syd I miss you so much. I would give anything to have you back, but that’s not how God wanted it to be. I don’t know why He wanted you back so early but I know that it’s all part of His glorious plan. And above all else, I trust Him. Syd, “I will forever search for moments full of you.” Your memory and spirit will forever live on. I love you so much my sister, my crapple, my best friend. I’ll see you in His kingdom ❤️
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The national cancer institute only gives 4% of all funds to childhood cancer research. The life of a child is worth far more than 4%. These kids fight like heck and show the ultimate amount of strength all while trying to live a “normal” life and have a real childhood. While they can participate in many to most daily activities, the fact of the matter is is that their life is tainted with the effects of the disease. While it doesn’t control their life, it can dictate what children can and cannot do and pose endless limitations. Childhood cancer fighters are constantly fighting a battle. The battlefield is their childhood, their life. Constant hospital visits, surgeries, treatment, physical limitations and missed school. These fighters can feel separated from the “normal life” they see other children living. Childhood cancer fighters don’t deserve this. They deserve awareness. They deserve funding. They deserve our endless support. These kids are worth far more than 4%. Repost this or post a picture with the hashtag #morethan4 to help create awareness and support for these children and their families that need it so much. Cancer is not a childhood. #morethan4
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“I came across a picture,
Of you and I today.
The tears just started falling,
But I couldn’t turn away.
I closed my eyes and I was there,
That day so long ago.
I saw your eyes still shining bright,
Alive and so aglow.
I’d swear I heard your laughter,
As I gazed upon your face,
A golden and contagious sound,
That nothing can replace.
It brought back many memories,
Of how things used to be.
Each picture’s now a time machine,
That brings you back to me.”
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I was looking through old yearbooks and saw so many pictures I had forgotten about including this one… Our advanced drama class picture:) I miss you girl<3 I love you so much
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“Studying”
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Syd has it really been 4 months?Words cannot express the heartbreak your passing left.. All I want is to see you one more time and tell you how much I love you. Some say it gets easier with time, but honestly it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. Some days I simply miss your presence, others I long for nothing but to talk to you. I miss you more and more each day and can’t imagine going the rest of my life without seeing that beautiful smile in person. I miss you. One of the hardest parts of losing you though is accepting the fact that you weren’t taken from us, we took you from your true home for a short while. I can forever try to ask God why He took you so soon but ultimately He took you back. You belong to our Father before this world and though I wish for nothing than to have you back, you were never ours in the first place. I know you are having a perfect and beautiful time up in Heaven and I know that when it’s my time to come join The Lord in His kingdom, you’ll be waiting up there for me. I can’t wait to be best friends forever in the most incredible place in all existence. I miss you Syd.. I always will. I will forever and always search for moments that are full of you because I never want to see a world without your beautiful presence in it. You’re still with us, just in a different way. You now fly with angels and wear a Heavenly crown. Never will I see a day where you are not with me. I love you Syd<3 see you in paradise❤️
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My story for His glory
I love a good movie or book. I love the feeling of escaping my life for a short time and living in someone else’s. As I’ve gotten older, this thought has become more than just a small desire and has become a yearning for something bigger, something better, something other. My day to day life seems at times quite “boring” compared to the exciting adventures and incredible stories told through the page and screen. I wish to live a character’s life and go through their experiences. Lately however I’ve been humbled a bit. My life, my story isn’t really mine. It belongs to my Heavenly Father. Too often do I feel responsible for it and am possessive over the pen that writes out my life. Trying to live my life, writing it on my own can’t possibly work out, so I’m learning to hand over the pen. Leaving my life in God’s hands is not only incredibly freeing but also pretty exciting. I’ve seen Him work out some pretty amazing things in my life and I’m so thankful that He opened my eyes to them. Yes, I long to be a storybook hero and lead an impossibly insane life but in a way, I am a character. I am a character in God’s story, in His word. Between the last two chapters of the Bible is a gap and in that gap is today, it is our here and now. My story is written in that gap and the author is perfect and loving and good. Learning to notice the small (or sometimes not so small) “God moments” shows me how miraculous my story and my author really is. I’ve seen God heal, humble, lead, and save broken souls, leaders, wanderers, the hopeless, the afraid, the sure, the confident, and the in between. That’s worthy of a story. While I may not save a crumbling and broken society, I can help save lost and broken souls from a fate worse than mere death. Though I will never fall in love with a fairy tale prince, my Father is a king and His love is incomparable. While I long to be known by many, I am cherished by an almighty God who created all. And though I long to be swept off my feet by the superhero, Jesus gave His life for me never knowing if I’d ever even love Him back. He saved me. No my life is not perfect 100% of the time, but 100% of the time I am held by the one who is. The one who created the entire universe holds me as precious and calls me His own. Tell me that that isn’t worth a screenplay<3
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Pageantry… Something I knew about but never dreamed of actually trying for myself-Until I met Sydney…. Syd was an incredible beauty queen filled with poise, talent, strength and grace and rocked that stage each and every time she set foot on it. She had asked me several times to do a pageant with her and I always laughed it off and didn’t commit to anything. One day while she and I were hanging out at my house, I finally agreed to do one with her. We never had the chance to fulfill that dream before her passing but I am keeping my word to my girl. Today I competed in a pageant put on by the Miss Apple Capital system and took a chance for my sweet Syd. While I was indescribably nervous, I had an amazing time and can’t wait for the next one:) this is something that Syd and I wanted to do together and it breaks my heart to not have her by my side through all of this, but the reminders of her presence here are endless. Each and every day has a dash and sprinkle of Sydney in it and I wouldn’t want it any other way<3 I am beyond blessed and lucky to have Mawmaw, @1dancemom1, and @buckstones in my life, guiding me along and being the most incredible role models for me. Thank y’all for an incredible day of feeling like a princess and for always supporting me.. I Love you<3
And Syd…. I’m gonna keep working my butt off to one day be as incredible as you<3 I love you so much. I hope I made you proud❤️
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Another amazing part of the day was honoring Syd’s life and title by planting two apple trees at the Elijah City Hall in her honor. One of my favorite memories together included apples so it was a sweet reminder of our fun times and inside jokes. Today was filled with many “Syd moments” and I felt her with us constantly. Finding her name on a chair at a cupcake shop just as we were talking about her had to be one of my favorites. Thanks for hanging out with us Syd:) today and forever! I love you girl! “…the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” A.A. Milne
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Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don’t you cry
For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can’t be broken
I will be here
Don’t you cry ‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You’ll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You’ll be here in my heart, always
When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on.
They’ll see in time, I know
We’ll show them together
Cause you’ll be in my heart
Believe me you’ll be in my heart.
From this day on now and forevermore.
You’ll be in my heart,
I’ll be there
Yes you’ll be in my heart
You’ll be here in my heart
Always
Just look over your shoulder,
Just look over your shoulder,
I’ll be there
Always❤️
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These last 5 months have honestly been the hardest of my life but for you they’ve been the best because you’ve spent them in true paradise. I miss you more and more each day and will forever miss you until I’m with you once again. I love you so much Syd<3 you will forever be in my heart❤️
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Hey Syd-
To wake up this morning and know that I have been without my best friend for 6 months was like being hit with a sack of bricks. To know that it’s already been half a year since your sweet soul walked upon this Earth is unimaginable. This has been the longest and hardest 6 months of my life but yet it feels as if I just saw you yesterday for the last time. I miss you with every breath and you occupy my every thought. I still can’t believe it. Whether it’s denial or just heartbreak, I still feel like its a nightmare that I’m gonna wake up from and you’ll be right there smiling and laughing. My heart breaks when the sentence,”I’m gonna go visit Syd.” Means to go visit your site. It’s a truly harsh reality. I forever wish for and miss the time that we spent together… But Syd I can feel all of this hurt and pain within me and believe me, I have..but there’s a greater feeling stirring within me. There’s a need to feel joy and peace. A need to rejoice in your new home and not think of this one that you left behind. Not a day goes by where I don’t see a little bit of you in it or a sign from you up in Heaven. There hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t felt your love and presence all around me. Never have I felt alone and never have I felt more at peace knowing that you are free from the suffering you endured here on this Earth. Sydney you changed my life and showed me the beauty of perseverance and strength. You showed me how to have great faith through great tribulations. Syd you showed me how to love, wholeheartedly and fully. Yes your passing has brought such pain to my life but greater than than, your life brought me everlasting and never failing joy and it’s this joy that gets me through. No you’re not here on Earth with me, but you have never left my side. Thanks for being my best friend.. Forever:) you have touched my life in the most beautiful ways possible.. Thank you so, so much ❤
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That smile is the most beautiful thing<3 gosh do I miss seeing it everyday. As Miss Georgia week is beginning, I can’t help but think of this stunning girl who should be here to participate. Syd was the first ever Miss Apple Capital Outstanding Teen and would be competing this week if she were still here with us. My heart breaks daily for the should have beens and this is one that shatters me. She was so excited to go for Miss Georgia OT and I was beyond excited to watch her do it. I will forever wish that I could have seen her up on that stage. I am so unbelievably proud of her and know that if she were competing, she would absolutely rock it. While we’re all focused on the pageant taking place and those who are competing in it, please remember this sweet and beautiful soul that could not be there in body, but is always there in spirit. We miss you down here Syd…
Love you with all my heart<3
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missing my partner in crime and the time we spent together with all of my heart.. I miss making brain models, movies about hippies, and near perfect scrapbooks. I love and miss you Syd💕
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I miss you more and more with each passing moment of every day.. I wish you were here with me more than words can express… I know you’re having fun up there in paradise though and one day we’ll be dancing together once again<3 I love you Syd, see you in Heaven❤️
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Hey Syd,
Every morning I have to wake up and face the fact that you’re not here. I have to face the fact that so many dreams must be reimagined. I have to face that fact that life must go on, though it has been changed forever. I have to face the fact that my best friend is now an angel in Heaven.
Every day I go through life searching for anything and everything that reminds me that you are still with me, and I am amazed daily at the ways that you show yourself to me, and the way that The Lord shows himself through you to me. In this, the hardest season of my life, I feel so much pain for your loss, but I also feel something that I I never expected to feel… I feel joy. What I never knew, was that joy can coexist with pain. Faith can exist where sorrow is prominent. Love will stand strong when grief tries to wreck your world. While I walk through life everyday faced with your loss, I carry with me another thought. It’s been eight months since you left this earth, but more than that, it’s been eight months since you stepped into the kingdom of Heaven. Syd I can only wonder what it will be like to see Jesus face to face, but you actually know. You’ve stood and still do stand in the presence of the Almighty. You’ve danced for The King. Syd you’re living in the one place that we all look forward to going to, so why would I want you to leave there to be on this broken and dark earth? Yes, I’m selfish and want nothing more than for you to come back. Yes, I miss you more than I could ever express. And yes, life is far from what it used to be when you were in it…But gosh Syd…. Heaven! You are dancing in Heaven with our Father. You are loving on and being loved on by Jesus face to face. You are free and happy and I am so very happy for you. My flesh tries to tell me that it’s better for you to be here, but the spirit within me tells me that despite the pain I feel in your absence, I should rejoice in where you are. Faith tells me to focus on where you are instead of where you are not- To rejoice in your new home up above. I am so very happy for you in that you are now living in paradise. Happy eight months old as an angel<3 You have forever changed my life with your friendship and I will continue to praise and thank God for your presence in my life. I know that you are always with me, walking through my highest and lowest moments, and I know that even death can never sever the friendship that we have built. My best friend, my guardian angel… You will forever live on in my heart and I will forever look for moments full of you. Never will you leave my mind or heart.. After all, how could I ever forget someone who gave me so much to remember? 🙂 My life is brighter because of you, my faith is stronger, my love deeper, and my eyes have been moved upwards to the sky. I love you with all of my heart<3 give my Sweet Jesus and Heavenly Father a hug for me! I’ll see you when Jesus calls me home. Love you pretty girl<3
<3,
Kenny:)
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Chick-fil-A’s frosted lemonade (one of my favorite things right now😋) + a visit with my girl (one of my favorite people ever😘) = the perfect last day of summer ❤ I still can’t fathom the fact that I’m starting school tomorrow without my partner in crime but I’m also pretty jealous because you won’t have do do math or homework in Heaven….:) I miss you pretty girl❤️ Love you<3
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With school starting back, I am assaulted with so many emotions and experiences. The most crippling of these is grief, grief for the loss of this beautiful soul that is no longer with me. Every place I turn, I find something reminiscent of her and I recall a sweet memory. And while I long for these moments of beautiful remembrance, I am pushed into feelings of regret and heartache. My mind is consumed with the could have/should have/would have’s of this life and those thoughts alone can break a heart. While it is so easy to think of a beautiful memory, it is so hard to move on from feelings of regret… Something that you wished had happened but didn’t. It’s so hard to let go of a dream that cannot and will not come true. It’s crippling to look and see the things that should happen but won’t. “What if” are truly some of the most painful words. In this season of my life, I have been stretched and pulled and tested and have discovered one of the best life lessons that I wish I had discovered sooner. No earthly thing in this life is promised. Not another day, not another year, not another breath. At any moment, Christ could return or we could be called home and in that moment, we will leave this temporary home for our eternal one. We can’t live life so afraid of the things that make life worth living that we don’t lead a life of substance…We don’t tell someone something we should, we don’t spend time with someone because we think that we can just do it another time, we take our time here on earth for granted. What I have learned is that we cannot think of earth in a permanent sense. Everything is temporary, including our lives here and we cannot for a moment think that this is all there is and it is the end all be all. There is a place infinitely better waiting for us after we leave this broken world. But until we get there… Value your time. Value the people in your life.
Love big, laugh way too much, and have more fun with those worth having it with than it makes sense to be having. Live life loudly. Cherish every moment and relationship that God has given you so that you can look back on your life knowing that you did not take a single moment for granted. I’ve spent too much time putting off what I shouldn’t, waiting on the moment to make a move, and assuming there will always be another chance when the truth is… There may not be. Live life now… Don’t wait for later.
Regret is a heartbreaker but it has no place in our lives if we don’t give it one. Life is a gift from our Father, your thank you to Him is a life lived abundantly and fully. Don’t wait. Don’t let a moment pass you by while you wait for another chance at it, only to find that there isn’t one. Don’t be afraid to strike out… Just step up to the plate and take a swing. Live life out loud and be you boldly. Please never forget the beautiful gift that you’ve been given in this life and never take that for granted. You are all worthy of an incredible life and that is why God gave you the opportunity for one. Take advantage of that gift and don’t leave any room for the could have/should have/would have’s.
I can’t change my past but I can change the way I will live my future. God holds the plan for my life and I will fully embrace every moment of it and take advantage of every opportunity and relationship He throws my way. “I’ve swam multiple times in the ocean of ‘what if’ only to find regret waiting on the shore for me every single time. I’ve gone from wondering ‘what if I let go and miss out on something amazing?’ To tasting the freedom in letting go and wondering ‘what if’ I had let go much sooner….” Don’t live a life of “what ifs”…. Cherish the moments in your life and the people you get to share them with and never take them for granted<3
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Today marks nine months without my girl and at that thought, my heart aches. Through my grief however, I am led to thinking about the countless other families and friends who have lost a loved one as well because of this evil disease. Never should a life end before it had a chance to truly begin. September 1st is the start of pediatric cancer awareness month and is a month of lighting the world gold- the color of the childhood cancer ribbon. Every day 46 children are diagnosed with cancer and 7 beautiful young souls join my sweet best friend up in Heaven. What is the national response to these numbers? 3.8%. Only 3.8% of all national cancer funding is given to pediatric cancer research. This September, raise your voice and help raise awareness and funding for this awful disease! Less than 4% is NOT enough! Be an advocate for those who so desperately need you… Because kids can’t fight cancer alone…. I challenge you to #gogoldforchildhoodcancer
Be #smileyforkylie and always and forever be #sydneystrong 💛 ❤ In honor and memory of sweet Syd.. I love and miss you too terribly much girlie. See you when the Good Lord calls me Home<3
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Today’s the day! September 1st- aka the first day of Childhood (Pediatric) Cancer Awareness Month! Throughout this month, I encourage you to open your eyes to the startling facts of childhood cancer and open your heart to the children that so desperately need your help. The world of pediatric cancer is in desperate need of support, funding and awareness and is in desperate need of YOU! They need your help and for you to reach out a helping and loving hand in their direction.
There are several ways to do this:
•raise your voice! Part of the problem is that not enough people know that pediatric cancer is as prevalent in our world as it is. They don’t know that 46 children are diagnosed with cancer every day and that every day 7 beautiful children lose their lives because of this monster. You can help by just helping to spread awareness. Post a picture to let everyone know, tell your friends, tweet about it, just get the word out there! •Donate!!!! Only 4% of all national cancer funding goes towards pediatric cancer research. That is such a pitifully low number and we need to change that! These fighters deserve all the help they can get and we need to do all that we can to help them get more. There are so many organizations that are focused on raising funds and awareness and are always in need of donations.
Throughout this month, I will be posting about a few organizations more in depth so be on the lookout for that if you want to help, but here a few to check out until then…
-Cure Childhood Cancer
-The Rally Foundation -The Amanda Riley Foundation -St. Baldricks
-Alex’s Lemonade Stand
Don’t wait to act. Every day, children are having to fight desperately for their lives and every day counts. Every donation counts. Every voice counts. Take the step to help out the brave children fighting cancer each and every day and one day, we will be able to say that cancer is a thing of the past. Yes, cancer is a battle, but we will come out victorious.
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The aftermath of the whipped cream challenge… Yes I look like a clown, and yes it was so worth it! Since Syd was the one to nominate me and I did it in her honor, it only felt right to send her a little gift up in Heaven. After smothering my face with whipped cream, I put some on a balloon and sent it sky high for my girl. I released 8 balloons (red and yellow of course)- one for Syd and one for each of the beautiful angels that Heaven gained that day. 8 balloons for 8 precious souls lost far too soon. While we rejoice in the fact that they’re in Paradise, we grieve for their absence. Childhood cancer is real and it’s cruel. The harsh truth is that all too many brush it off or don’t think about it until it’s too late. They don’t open their eyes to the cries for help until it’s someone they know and love. Don’t wait until cancer strikes close to you…. If all you can do is raise your voice, do that! If you want to smash a pie in your face and post it to catch the attention of people and open their eyes (while having a blast I might add) do that! If you can and want to donate, do that! Do whatever you can to help. Nothing is too small… The only wrong move is to not make one at all. Awareness is needed just as much as funding…
See my previous post from a few days ago if you want to have a go at this challenge and help me spread the word about this evil disease. (Don’t worry about having to donate if you can’t..just do the challenge and nominate some friends!) I mean… Who wouldn’t want to pie themselves in the face with whipped cream? 🙂
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“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.” Philippians 1:3
I miss you Syd❤️ Love you bunches<3
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I am speechless…. Today was such an incredible day and I am so beyond blessed and thankful to be able to say I am your new Miss Apple Capital’s Outstanding Teen 2016✨ this has been a complete whirlwind… Beginning with Syd convincing me to try a pageant with her, to deciding to actually pursue that promise, to competing in my very first Miss Georgia Prelim… This journey has been incredible:) tonight was unforgettable as I poured my heart into all phases of the competition and in the end, get to carry on the title of my best friend. My heart is filled with so much joy as I get to do so and advocate for and support an incredible platform in her honor:) and to top it off, I got to be crowded by Mrs. Tammy and I had so many amazing family members and friends there to support me… It doesn’t get any better than this:) I am so thankful for Mrs Clemmie, Mrs. Tammy, the McIntosh’s, and my beyond incredible family for their support and help with preparing me for this next step<3 I love y’all so so much! I am so very excited to see where this journey takes me and Syd….. I hope you’re proud up there<3 I thank God for this opportunity and ask Him to bless the year ahead of me as I go forward as Miss Apple Capital’s OT 2016👑
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It’s ridiculous how normal this has become for me and many others in the last 9-10 months. It’s heartbreaking that I look forward to going to the cemetery to “visit Syd” and leave my girl a gift of flowers for her site. Childhood cancer is not a picture of bald children with smiling faces… It’s pain. It’s a fight for life. It’s loss. It’s a truckload of faith and trust. It’s an evil that this world should not have to know. Yes, these children are unnaturally strong and they all inspire us daily with their courage, faith and strength but a lot of the times, they don’t let you see the pain behind the smile. We only see the tip of the iceberg. Treatment for childhood cancer is so harsh on the body that about 70% of childhood cancer survivors will develop at least one chronic illness as a result of harsh treatments and therapies. They may beat the disease, but their fight is surely not over. They need our help more than we even realize. Many people don’t act because it hasn’t impacted them directly. Because it “doesn’t affect me”. Here’s the thing… Several years ago, I could have said the same thing.. But now I’m caught in the middle of the wreckage that childhood cancer brings with its presence and am left wishing I would’ve acted sooner. We cannot simply wait for it to impact us before we decide to make a difference. The harsh truth is that cancer does not discriminate and it is not obsolete. It’s very real. It’s very present in this life. It’s a monster. This month especially, consider donating to the cause or reach out to an organization needing your help. A fantastic organization to check out is The Rally Foundation. Rally donates funds raised directly towards research for a cure. The link for this organization will be in my bio and I encourage you to check it out!
Cancer is real. Cancer is heartbreaking. But most of all, cancer is beatable. It is conquerable. And when we wage our battle, it will be obliterated and its power will no longer be a presence in this world. We WILL win the fight against childhood cancer!
#SydneyStrong #smileyforkylie #gogold #empiregogold #teamlillybumpus #gogoldforchildhoodcancer #morethan4 #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth
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“My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again”❤️
Some days, words cannot even begin to adequately express all that I feel. Some nights, I laugh at and rejoice in the memories that we shared and my heart swells with joy, while other nights are submerged in the complete heartache that grief brings. Some moments, my heart is so overwhelmed with so many feelings and I am left reeling from the emotions that I feel when I think of you. The pain that comes with your passing. The comfort that comes with knowledge of your healing and residence in God’s Kingdom. The pure joy that comes when I remember the times that we spent together. Some days I don’t know how to express what I feel but all I know is that these overwhelming feelings could never exist without the overwhelming amount of love that I have for you. I could never explain what your friendship means to me and the impact that you made on my life. I will carry you with me for the rest of my life and will always find moments full of you and your presence. I have one gosh darn incredible guardian angel<3 I love you Sydney…. 10 months is too long to have gone without seeing your sweet face and I honestly cannot comprehend going another 10… But as my pastor quoted-You’re more a part of my future than you are my past and the fun that we’re going to have together in Heaven completely tops our earthly fun. I can’t wait to make more memories with you up in paradise and to dance before the Lord together, side by side. Our friendship will only get sweeter and stronger as we one day take on eternity together. I miss you girl. I miss you so much. Fly high and have fun dancing for our King.. I’ll see you up there one day<3 I love you Syd❤️
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Every day I’m amazed at the depths at which a human heart can feel. Every day I’m shocked at its ability to hold onto what it loves. Every day I wake up feeling that I couldn’t possibly miss her any more than I already did but yet my heart aches deeper with each passing day. They say it gets easier with time. They say time heals. What they didn’t say is that time is also one of the biggest monsters you’ll face. The time you spent together, too short. The time you must spend without them, infinitely long. The time in which you’ll spend together, a lifetime away. Time is terrifying. Time is finite. And time is completely out of our control. As it passes us by, numbers increase-the days I have lived without you, numbers decrease- the days I must wait to see you again. Time keeps moving as we’re caught in its clutches and left at its mercy. The clock keeps ticking and with each passing moment comes too many feelings desperate to be felt. How does a heart contain the assault of emotion? How does the heart hold itself together when pushed to its capacity? How does a heart keep from breaking? When the time goes on without someone you love, it’s simple… It doesn’t. Every day is laced with the pain of loss. Every day is filled with longing for the one you miss. Every moment is saturated with love. And though there is pain, with every day, comes strength. Just because you’re grieving and heartbroken doesn’t mean you’re weak and have broken. Strength isn’t refusing to feel… Strength is acknowledging and feeling the pain and living through it anyway. It’s enjoying the life that you’re given and trying your darn best to make the best of it. No we’re not strong for living through grief… We’re strong for finding life’s beauty through grief. Yes, I miss Sydney with all that I am but that pain won’t stop me from rejoicing in moments that are all too full of her. Every little moment in life where there is an inside joke or memory is beautiful and sacred. As much as you wish life would stop after losing a loved one, you find that the pain rooted in the passing of time has moments of weakness and joy and light breaks through and takes over. Those moments become more frequent as you allow yourself to welcome the light over the darkness. Day after day, those grieving choose joy over dwelling on the heartache. It’s hard.. Sometimes too much so.. But you feel the pain, acknowledge it, and move forward ready to focus once again on the joys of this life. There really is so much good in this world and honestly you see it so much clearer once you’re seen the dark. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to see her again here on this earth but I can’t wait to see her once again when I join her up with Jesus. One day we will be together again and dance before our King, both whole and full of joy. One day, we will spend eternity side by side and that is better than a few moments on earth. After all.. This life is really just a blip on the time line of life and eternity. Heaven is where the real party will be at! Until we meet again however, I know I have a pretty amazing guardian angel (who probably never stops laughing at the ridiculousness of my decisions and dance moves!) She’s so going to tease me on those once we meet again…;)
Sydney… Please give my Father and Sweet Jesus the biggest of hugs for me:) See you when they call me home… Until we meet again….😘
I love you ❤
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To me, the number eleven means wishing. On 11:11 I love to make a wish. Today, the number eleven brings heartache. It’s been eleven months since Heaven gained the most beautiful soul and eleven months since this world lost her. With each day, I miss her more and more and with each day, my heart cries out in protest at her absence. Every day, I’m left missing this sweet girl with all that I am.
Syd,
I just really wish that you could come back…
Every day gets harder without you and I have no clue how it has even been this long since I last saw you here on earth. When grief is involved, the passing of time feels all too different from how it once did.
But though I want you here, I know that you’re having the absolute grandest time in Heaven and I know that we’re going to have the best time together when we’re reunited once again. That reunion is going to be one for the history books as we will be brought together for a final time.. For once and for all and for all of eternity. Imagine all of the trouble we can get into between then and forever;) I miss you my sweet crapple<3 come visit me in my dreams sometime soon? I miss you with all of my heart and love you with every bit of my being❤️ Say hi to my Father and Jesus for me and give them ginormous hugs;) I love you girlie😘
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November 28, 2015
A year ago today my life was forever changed. I went through the day filled with worry but ignorantly “sure” of the outcome. People were texting me asking if seemingly exaggerated rumors were true and though they shook me, I was sure that they were not. Sydney was going to be fine… The day went on and there seemed to be no peace or comfort within our hearts as we tried to enjoy the day. My family went to get our Christmas tree like any other year and in between moments I would check my phone praying for a positive update. After choosing our tree we set out for home but decided to stop by the lake to run Stoney first. I think I knew something was wrong but I denied it any chance that I got. We walked around the spot we always go to, trying to enjoy our time as a family. In my head, I couldn’t stop thinking over every update and praying desperately for the outcome that we all wanted. After running Stoney for a while, my mom checked her phone and saw a missed call from a friend of mine and Syd’s. She called back and soon after dropped to her knees in tears. Looking back I could say that I knew what that meant but I refused to believe it until the words were spoken. My heart has honestly never felt more pain than it did in that moment. Never had I felt so helpless. My best friend was gone and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. I denied it with every fiber of my being and honestly still do today. If I act like it’s not true than maybe it won’t be. Too many times I’ve been brought to my knees with regret, pain, and heartache. I do all that I can to honor her and make her proud but nothing, I know, can bring her back. Sydney was a light in my life as well as in the lives of all those who knew her and my world at times seems a little dimmer without her presence in it. This last year has been unimaginable and I cannot fathom another one, let alone the rest of my life, without you, Syd. Your impact on me was greater than I think I ever fully realized. My heart was shattered when we lost you and to this day it doesn’t feel real. My heart refuses to accept your absence. You’re physically away from me but there is one thing I can hold onto when I am missing you far too desperately, you are closer to me now than you ever were before. I can only imagine how astonishingly beautiful you are up there with your newfound Heavenly wholeness. It brings me to tears thinking about how stunning and happy and whole you are up there with Jesus. You were one of the most beautiful girls to walk this earth so to imagine you up there is mind blowing. And that smile…. I can’t begin to imagine how radiant it is on your angelic face. Life is filled with heartache and longing without your presence in it physically but knowing that you are watching over me and right with me gives me a sense of comfort and joy. I don’t know why God had to take you so soon but I do know that you’re rejoicing up there in your new home and in that fact, I can find my joy. I can’t say that I’m not selfish and don’t wish every night that you had stayed, but this thought makes the hard nights a little less unbearable. You have been dancing for Jesus and our Father for a whole year now and I can’t imagine what that’s like… Every day I miss you and wish for you to come back and every moment you live within my mind and heart. I’ll forever ‘dance to the beat of my angel’s wings’ and strive to make you proud. One year, even just one day, is far too long… But in Heaven, time will no longer matter as we spend eternity side by side. This year has by far been the hardest and has simultaneously been both the longest and quickest year of my life… Brought on by the paradox that is grief.. I miss you girlie. I miss you with all that I am and more than I’ve ever missed anything or anyone in my life, and yet I love you even more than that. Thanks for impacting my life in such a huge way. I have thanked God for giving me you as a best friend countless times and forever will continue to. You blessed my life in more ways than you know. Happy Heavenly birthday girlie.. My sweet angel is one year old<3 I know you had quite the celebration up there in His Kingdom. I’ll see you again when the Good Lord calls me home.
I miss you Sydrid/Jaytoo/crapple… Until we meet again….and gosh I love you Syd… I love you so very,very much❤️
With endless love,
Kenny ❤
Crowned for a Purpose 