One thing that I’ve struggled with since losing my best friend is the great feeling of regret. Regretting what I did say, things I didn’t, things I should have done, moments I wish I would’ve experienced by her side, and memories that can never be made. Losing her was a reality check to me as I was forced to realize what is truly important in this life, and what is not. All of the things that I poured my heart and soul into, no longer seemed to matter in the face of grief, yet simple things such as friendship, ears that are willing to listen, and real, pure love were what I valued in this time. I hadn’t realized how much I had invested in the things of this world that do not truly matter and I find myself regretting valuing these insignificant aspects of life. But though I wish there was something I could do to change that, the past is the past and it is done. I can choose to dwell in that and the guilt and regret that I feel or I can shift my focus to the direction of where I’m going.

Why look backwards in a car that is in drive?

This, the hardest season of my life, has taught me something so huge- not to take anything in this life for granted and and always embrace the meaningful parts of life. Her passing revealed to me the fundamental aspects of this life- the ever sturdy foundation that is my faith, the blanket of warmth and strength that is love, and the importance of embracing life and its joyful moments. Without these things, I don’t know where I would be right now as these truths have held me up and kept me going through the pain of loss. Every day, I try my darn hardest to embrace life for all that it could be and has the potential to be and each day I try to live a life that will lend itself to a future lacking regret.

This is easier said than done however when it comes to living in the aftermath of tragedy. So many moments in this life can bring pain and heartache as you’re enjoying life without the person you desperately want to enjoy it with, or you’re facing a moment that could potentially cause much pain. Coming to terms with loss is one thing, but moving forward and living in its wake is another story. I can acknowledge that Sydney and I will not get to go to college together, graduate, go to prom, compete in a pageant, or carry out any of the other many plans that we had in mind, but going forward in life and actually carrying out these action without her is another story entirely  and breaks my heart. As I step forward into life without her, I am at times hit with a wave of heartache that makes me want to stop in my tracks out of fear of the pain that will ensue.

But you know what I’ve learned…? You can’t live life in fear of what ‘could’ happen, of what you ‘could’ feel. Life is unpredictable and there is no telling what it will throw at you, but you can’t hide away because of this. Life is a beautiful mess and that is a fact that we can’t escape but have to learn to embrace. If we were scared of the maybe’s and the possibilities, our lives would be completely ruled by fear and could not amount to all that it has potential to be. Yes, it is terrifying to face this crazy world and all that it consists of, but the possibilities of what could happen are endless. And yes these possibilities could bring intense heartbreak, but they could also bring with them the best moments of our lives. I never want to miss out on an opportunity to embrace life because I was scared of the possibilities. The regret of not stepping forward can often outweigh the pain of sadness for this pain can be dealt with, while regret is so much harder to nullify and is acidic in its nature- eating away at its victims.

I want to live life fearlessly. I want to run ‘in pursuit of what sets my soul on fire’ and live a life that I can end knowing that I embraced and never took for granted. I want to live life embracing the strength that comes from my Father that allows me to live in such a way- knowing that He will catch me in my times of downfall and be my comfort in my moments of heartbreak. Never do I need to fear, for He will always be so very near. My ultimate goal in this life is to fully embrace everything that He has given me- for the glory of His kingdom and that “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I can stand there and say ‘I used everything you gave me’” (Erma Bombeck). God has given us each gifts to use and paths to follow should we choose to do so and I want to run with full force towards what He has set out for me to do. I want to let my life be His pen and I to be used fully for His kingdom and glory, living a life that has meaning and purpose beyond earthly value. I don’t want to let fear get in the way of a divine plan.

The courage to pursue life with a fearless mindset is not easily found or maintained and I am still chasing that courage myself. It is tempting to retreat back into a shell of comfort and live in a self-enforced bubble which would certainly keep me comfortable, but that bubble could quickly become a prison as I’m trapped inside with the regret of a life not lived to its fullest, of souls I have not impacted, of an earth that I did not touch. The spirit of the almighty is inside each of us and His strength, spirit and power can lead us to a life of meaning and impact- a life void of fear and regret.

“He said, ‘One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we don’t live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.’” (Frederick Buechner).

❤

Love y’all and God Bless!